Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
