so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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