so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
