i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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