i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
