you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
