My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
