matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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