Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
