if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
