Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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