I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
