Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
