My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
