The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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