He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
