She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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