I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
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Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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