dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
