Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
