Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Randomize
