weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
