Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
