your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
