You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
