Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
