My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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