i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
