This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
