I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
