u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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