I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
