i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
