party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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