A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
