you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
