im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
