I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i've created a new STD.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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