you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Your shirt... Was in my pants