Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
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Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often