I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.