Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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