In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
