We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
