They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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