i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
