I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
