if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
