I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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