I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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