Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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