a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
