I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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