i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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