Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
