I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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