Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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