My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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