Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
